16 Nov The Secret “M” word- Miscarriage
The Secret “M” word- Miscarriage. Like postpartum depression, miscarriage is not openly talked about; not with our peers, or even our family sometimes. In the aftermath of a miscarriage, I imagine that it’s a dark and lonely place and unfortunately even riddled with guilt and shame.
I have a couple of friends that have experienced the pain and sadness that comes from having a miscarriage, even several of them. I have heard and seen the despair and disappointment reflected when recounting those events, and me not knowing how to really comfort them; torn between wondering if a giant hug would be of any help to them or if it’s more important for them to have an ear and open heart, to-just listen. What struck me as synonymous between my friends was this air of secrecy that surrounded them. They wanted to keep it private and to themselves, to almost suffer in secrecy and anonymity, just between them and their partners.
Truthfully, I respect that, I can empathize with people not wanting to wear their life experiences on their chest, like the scarlet letter, but I can’t help but wonder if in fact, saying it, sharing the hurt and disappointment would and could be a part of the healing. I suppose in order to truly be able to benefit from that “sharing” type of healing, you would have to be certain that you were not at fault or to blame for this experience.
Miscarriages are common, more common than we realize mostly because many people don’t speak about it. Most miscarriages happen during the first trimester and in most case scenarios the cause can’t be identified, but that somehow, doesn’t stop women from blaming themselves and feeling guilty over not doing something that they should have, or even thinking that they did something wrong. It’s typical to place blame because as humans we look for reasons. We need answers and when we don’t or can’t get them, we try to justify. The most challenging part (with many things in life) is the battle in the mind, not allowing your thoughts to beat up or blame yourself.
The good news is that lots of women are now standing up and speaking about their experience, even with their guilt and hurt. Through their own pain, some women have been able to be a voice and a source of comfort for others. Watch Chriselle’s story! When people stand up to talk about what they hurt about, other people have the courage to speak up as well. The speaking part can help with the healing part. Not as a victim but rather as a survivor, as a way to close a chapter in life and move on to the future. Many women become fearful about trying to have another baby, fearful that a miscarriage may happen again only causing more pain. This is especially hard for women that have had multiple miscarriages.
Rainbow baby is a new term used to represent a child born after a miscarriage or loss of a child. It’s a play on the idea; beauty after the storm.
There is hope after a miscarriage or many miscarriages. If you or someone you know has suffered with a miscarriage don’t blame yourself, feel guilt or shame by it, know that you are not alone, and you too can find your voice and heal with the belief that your future is beautiful and bright.
Here are a few resources that I found interesting. Hope you do too!
Leave your comments below….I’d love to hear from you. xo
Story of hope- Rachael’s rainbow baby story
Three women share their stories
Love & Hugs,