21 Dec Dear Kids, I’m sorry I can’t be there for you
Dear Kids, I’m sorry I can’t be there for you. I mean, all of the time. You see, life moves so much faster that we wish sometimes. Between daily responsibilities and the expectations I place on myself, finding the “sweet-spot” when it comes to balance is really hard. It’s easy sometimes to feel overwhelmed, over worked and never enough. There are many days I think, “Kids, I’m sorry I can’t be there for you.”
When you were little, I remember watching you breathe as you slept; I made sure you were carefully placed in the proper sleep position, that you weren’t too cold or too warm. I held you and rocked you for hours to make sure that you were comforted and safe. I watched you get your first tooth, learn to hold your own bottle, stand up on your own, and take your first steps. Now that you’re older, things kind of get in the way and when I’m not with you, I miss you and sometimes worry about you.
I wish we could have more time in the day; it’s hard seeing you for only a few hours each day after work. I want to know how your day was, what you learned in school, and answer all of your questions-you have a lot of questions.
I wish I could take you to the park and the beach every time you wanted to go and be there, present, in the moment rather than thinking about all of the things I have left to do. I wish we could travel the world and learn the culture of different people, see all the beautiful places and do as we please. We’d have all the time in the world, without the worry of responsibility and time. We’d color and draw and laugh and dance and I, like you, would give 100%.
But life doesn’t always work like that. Sure, I could throw caution to the wind and do the things I wanted to do all the time, but I won’t because being able to provide for you is my top priority. And when I’m at work or away from you, I miss you.
Occasionally, I manage to have the energy to come home and cook, do homework, read stories and play; put you to sleep while holding you, just like when you were little. Sometimes, I’m tired. Actually, many times I’m tired, but I push through anyway, I show up, running on whatever fumes I have left, because making an effort counts too.
I promise you that I will always give my best, but some days by best will just feel like, Okay, and I’ll try and do better tomorrow. I’ll forgive myself for not being able to operate at the level that I want to for you, and allow myself to be human once in a while. No matter what, even though I can’t be there for you all the time, I always love you. Tomorrow is a new day, and I’ll try to be my best again tomorrow.
Love & Hugs,